Happy New Year and all that hype. Okay, sorry, I just think New Years is one of those ridiculous holidays that gives us another reason to stay up late and drink too much (like I need a reason for that). Now the Chinese, they’re a smart bunch. They assign animals to their New Year celebration, and let me tell you, you haven’t partied till you’ve been in China Town the Year of the Snake…Anyway, what was my point? Hold on, I know I had one..Oh yeah. Resolutions. Pshhh.

Let’s just take a count. Raise your hand if this is one of your resolutions:

1) Make more money

2) Lose weight/get fit

3) Get a raise or a better job or a role in the new burlesque show downtown

4) Improve or find relationships

5) Skinny dip with wild rhinos off the coast of Kenya. What? Just me?

6) Quit something…smoking…shopping…texting while operating heavy equipment, whatever

Sound familiar? Thought so, and you want to know why it’s so familiar? Because you do it every flipping year.

You know the routine. You solemnly swear to yourself, your spouse and any nearby farm animals, that come January 1st, you are going to the gym every day, no matter what. Then you chug down two quarts of eggnog, shove in three pounds of fudge, and unbutton your britches while basking in the pride of how fit you’ll be in just a few short weeks. Uh huh.

Unfortunately, the parking lot at the gym is too full with all the other fools who made the same resolution. Hey, I been there every year since I could walk, and back then, the gym was far away for a little walking baby.  So, could it be possible that New Year’s Resolutions are merely a set-up to not only induce us to buy a bunch of champagne, but to party like it’s 1999 the month before so we don’t feel guilty while we’re doing it? Hmmm.

I realized this when I made my resolutions Monday and noticed they were the same as last year (however, I did leave off the one about teaching my cat to water ski. She just refused to try). And I said to myself, “Self, this is a rerun and if we want reruns, CSI will be on in an hour.” I love CSI. But that’s when it hit me, no more recycled resolutions! And just saying that made me lose three pounds. Mainly, because I pushed the cat off my lap, but that’s beside the point.

Generally speaking, the things we do annually are preventative in nature, right? I mean, chimney swept, oil changed, toe nails clipped, refrigerator cleaned (wow, I just realized I’m behind in all of these). Anyway, planning our lives shouldn’t be done New Year’s Day. First of all, you’ll still be a sleepy bear from staying up so late, and secondly, you’ll look at the list and realize that it’s the same list as last year and then you’ll feel like a complete and utter failure because you are. No wait! That’s not what I meant! YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You’re a very nice person who subscribes to my posts and sends me gummy bears.

We are not losers, we are winners with old habits.

Now, I’m not saying that goals are not vital, because, um, they are. However, I am saying that waiting till the day you have a hangover (like that’s only once a year) to write down the same things you wrote down the same time last year is a little, well, silly, right? So what if instead, this year, you give yourself a break–and I don’t mean going to Micky D’s for a cheeseburger kind of break, because, ew..McGross. But how about you throw your resolutions away? I know, just short of sacrilegious, but hear me out.

There’s a saying about doing the same thing over again and expecting different results being the definition of insanity. I don’t know who said it, but he was one smart cookie…mmm… cookies. So instead, create a list of very specific goals that you are truly committed to seeing through (next week’s post will be “Fun and games and Goal-setting” in case you care. You do, right?!). And here’s the key: do not wait until too much eggnog in December before you check your progress. The difference in a goal and a resolution is that a goal is a commitment  whereas a resolution is one of those fuzzy champagne-induced words that denotes trying. We do not try, we conquer.

Let’s continue this discussion next week because I still have some eggnog left, and oh yeah, I have a rhino waiting for me.

Happy New Year (all year)


Shameless self-promotional part:  Hey, if you’re into personal development, check out my more serious books here. If you like comedy, just wait till this book is released (Spring 2013). Put your email up in the corner box and lets be best friends forever!!!!