Love Yourself in Private

When I say self love is one of the most important keys to success, people often think I mean they should turn the lights off and fondle themselves in the dark. This is not what I mean. Leave the lights on! Let the neighbors see! Poor neighbors. Okay, so what I mean by self-love, in spite of your dirty little gutter mind, is that we need to really love ourselves. (that was so obvious, I’m embarrassed I typed it).

My pal David wrote a book that I like to refer to. Let me clarify that when I call him “my pal,” he actually lives in Kenya, Africa, so it’s not like we meet up on Tuesdays at Starbucks and play WWF. But, we have emailed a few times and chatted about the nature of the Universe, real estate and our books. In my collection of one billion and four self-help books (and that is an exact number), David’s is my favorite, so that in itself should make you want to go right to amazon.king and buy a copy for everyone you love.

  I asked him the same question I ask many of the authors and coaches who have been on my radio show over the years: What’s the reason most people don’t have the life that they want. And while we all can bat around at answers like a blind-folded fat kid stabbing at a piñata, the truth is that most people don’t even try to make their dreams come true because they don’t have enough self-love.

All the psychology literature (and I don’t know why they call it that, no one ever falls in love or has car chases), says that by the time we’re something like five years old, we’ve heard the word “No” 16.4 bazillion times (again, an exact number). All this nay saying tends to make us think we’re not able to do anything. Point is, if Kim Kardashian can spell her name, you can fly to the moon in a go cart if you so put your mind to it.

            It’s easy to see why we get beat down. Let’s take my own sad but recent example 

Recent Rejection

Part of being a real estate agent is rejection. Actually, that’s part of being a writer too…hmmm *strokes chin* maybe that’s why I drink so much? Anyway, there are different kinds of rejection and I’m sure you’ll agree they all pretty much suck. So recently I had a nice older couple let me drive them around six different days, looking at homes in higher-end neighborhoods. We wrote an offer that didn’t work out. I thought we had a connection. I picked their dog up at the groomer. I envisioned holiday parties at their new house. The wine would flow. And then I find out they bought a $645 thousand dollar house from another agent. In dog years that was a $22,000 commission that flashed before my crying eyes.

When things like that happen, I curl up in a fetal position, suckle my baby bottle filled with vodka and tell my hubby I’m going to stick my head in the oven. He reminds me we have an electric range, so I tell him it may take a while. And damn him and the cooking channel; gas ranges are over rated. And dangerous for rejected real estate agents. However, after the sobbing, I pull my drunken self up, brush off defeat, da pants, da shirt, and stand upright and proud. Knowing, that in time, this too shall pass. And that’s the clincher.

See, many of us have a hurricane of disappointment hit us hard like that and we recoil, blame ourselves, play with our food and watch Life Time TV till dawn. Hey, I’ve been there too. But what I’m saying is that the sooner we get up and get on with things, the better off we will be. What I think happens to a lot of us is that we blame ourselves and then somehow assume that because the bad thing happened, it must be what we deserved in the first place. Make sense?

       In the case I just cited (What? You didn’t know I was a lawyer too? Pshhh) I could have easily blamed myself, punched my own eye out and stuck my head in the electric oven. But instead, I felt sorry for myself for exactly 47 minutes (um, that’s how long it takes to down seven shots of Grey Goose). Then, when analyzing what went wrong with the deal, I easily attribute it to the fact that the clients were not nice to me and who will not get a holiday card under any circumstances. See how much better that feels?

Actually, buyers in real estate can be slippery little eels. This is why God created Buyer Broker Forms. Okay, maybe God himself did not sit and design the contract, but I’m sure he had a say in the contingency clause. Anyway, don’t be a fool and forget this form, lest you spend your days driving old people around all day who end up buying houses from other people when you’re not looking.

Back to loving yourself.

The very first step to success in any endeavor, let alone life, is to develop a healthy, patient and compassionate relationship with yourself, lights on or off, your choice. Think of all the great things you’ve accomplished so far. For one thing, you won the sperm race. Think about it; only one itty bitty sperm out of millions hits the egg and got the gold. And you did that! Walk around with that knowingness. Pat yourself on the back, saying what a close race it was. Insist your cats salute you whenever you enter the room. You’re impressive.

            When you recognize your own value, your sense of self-worth explodes and leaves all sorts of happy juice all over the place. Think about it. Don’t you find that you are most attracted to people who seem to have a healthy self-esteem? No? Well then, um, maybe you need therapy and your problems are beyond the scope of this blog? Please see the disclaimer. No animals were harmed in the making…oh, sorry, wrong one *straightens posture and looks important.* Most of us are attracted to people with healthy self-esteems. People with confidence are people who love themselves, in a healthy, non egotistical, kind of way. And notice, these are the people who tend to be the most popular, successful and never lose their remote controls.

If you think this is an area your may be lacking, and many of us are, then some immediate ideas are affirmations, visualizations, subliminal programming, hypnosis—and we’ll cover all of these someday—at least a little. Talk about your lucky day! Speaking of subliminal programming: buymevodka buymevodka buymevodka buymevodka. What? Too obvious?

Remember in an earlier post I had you write down some things about your life you didn’t like? Well, now it’s time for what we call in yoga a counter-pose…or is it a counter-offer? No, that’s real estate. Help me. Okay, now how about you write down a list of things you are proud of. You know, accomplishments. Things you LIKE about YOU. These could be things you put effort into, like climbing Mt. Rushmore, graduating college or inventing an apparatus that teaches dogs to walk themselves and make you a drink. Or, these could be things you came across naturally like thin thighs, good hair or the ability to juggle 17 lemons while typing with your toes (oh, how I long to type with my toes and play with lemons).

Once you have your list, look at it daily. You’re pretty cool, aren’t you, you little snickerdoodle. Quit being shy! Admit how great you are and when you forget, or when someone does you wrong, remember the list. You rock. PS. Not everyone gets to play with lemons, so focus on what’s great about you.


Shameless self-promotional part:  Hey, if you’re into personal development, check out my more serious books here. If you like comedy, just wait till this book is released (Spring 2013). Put your email up in the corner box and lets be best friends forever!!!!