It’s that time of the year again! We can all forget our table manners and inside voices and act like whoever wins the game will affect our lives in any way whatsoever. Yay Super bowl! Okay, seriously, I’m a big fan of watching Super bowl fans. And hey, I’m all about any Sunday that says Americans can start drinking before noon.

In addition to imbibing early, I’ve noted these other American Approved activities, because, after all Super Bowl is that one time of year we can:

  • Go charge a flat screen television larger than our first car—this is especially acceptable if your state team is playing.
  • Drink our weight in alcohol, especially brewski, so you better pack a porta-potty because you don’t want to miss a minute of scrimmage (something like standing in line at Macy’s on Black Friday, right?).
  • Eat massive amounts of food products that literally contain no food. My favorite? Processed cheese smothering processed chips. Mmmm nachos.
  • Have something new and exciting to argue about on facebook. (if I see one more football helmet avatar I’m going to spank my cat).

My whole problem with football is the colors and the costs.

I’m sorry, but I refuse to wear a jersey that’s the same color as my mother’s living room. What’s wrong with pink? You make an NFL team color pink, and I’ll buy the whole damn outfit. Think about it! A pink jersey says, I’m soft, but I’m here to play ball, right?! Of course, if the whole team wore pink, I suppose the estrogen might kick in. You know, instead of fighting over the ball, they’d have to play nice and seek mediation.

Oh, and there would be no butt-patting; elbow touching only. And can’t you just hear the Quarterback asking, “Do these pants make my butt look big?”

Speaking of the Quarterback, how come if he’s the team leader, he only gets ¼ of his back, while some other guy gets all of his own back? If I had my druthers, I would certainly opt to be a full back with a  pink fitted jersey and white pants. And please, no padding around the hips! Mommy’s hips are plenty padded, thank you very much.

What about the commercials? Reportedly the Super Bowl half-time is the most expensive advertising opp on the planet. You could buy Morocco or a 10-second spot. Why do advertisers pay so much money for this? Don’t they know everyone is going pee? I get it though, come Monday morning, the Internet will be full of youtube videos recapping all the commercials so that everyone has something new to talk about, now that they’ve realized that whether their team won or lost, all they have to show for it is five extra pounds, a really big television and an even bigger credit card payment. But, mmmm, nachos.

I’m sorry, but all that yelling, fighting and pushing makes me nervous, yet that’s what happens every year when  I hide the remote early Sunday morning.

Go Red Sox! What? Wrong team? Pssh. Okay, well, cheers then, and may the prettiest team win.

Bear hugs,

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