I was thinking the other day about some profound matters, such as the meaning of life and why I go to Costco on Saturdays, then it hit me; what if God’s a cat! I mean, seriously, when is the last time you looked a cat right in the eyes and didn’t see that omnipresent authority? Why, just yesterday, one of my cats (I am still not sure which one is the real God and which ones are just pretending to be) I swear I heard a “Hail Mary” or “Very Hairy,” I’m not sure which, but I am certain it came from one of my cats. Or my son. I get them mixed up a lot because they are all hairy.
Anyway, I realized that ultimately, it doesn’t really matter who or where God is, or if you’re an atheist, a Catholic or an aspiring side-walk sweeper in Newfork, Iowa (and yes, they’re hiring, but I’ve already applied, so back off, peaches). What does matter, at least in my unsolicited opinion, is that we have some kind of a faith in something. You can worship carrot greens for all I care, but I’m convinced that believing in something is important and can save on your lighting bill. In fact, sometimes when I drink wine, I cheer Jesus, because, hey, anyone who can turn water into it, is okay in my book. And speaking of books, in one of his, he mentioned something about faith as big as a mustard seed.
Have you SEEN a mustard seed? It boggles my mind to think of how many of those little suckers it take to coat a corn dog. Hail to French’s and hats off to Dijon. That’s an awful lot of mustard seeds. But isn’t that the point? I mean, mustard seeds are small, right? So that just means that we only need the teeniest weeniest bit of faith, and we can move mountains and shit. I don’t know about you, but moving Mount Shasta to Florida has always been a dream of mine.
And it’s quite clear; Jesus could have picked a bigger seed. Heck, he could have even picked a large fruit or sea creature, but seriously, how un-poetic it would be if the quote was: “If ye has faith the size of a hot-house tomato, you can do all of this and more.”?
I am convinced that with a strong enough faith, one can accomplish anything one wants. While my goal of dancing on a Himalayan hill-top with mountain yaks has not quite manifested yet, I am moving forward with airplane reservations. And don’t laugh. Have you seen a mountain yak? Those things are flippin awesome. Point is, there is something about faith that raises our vibrations, and quite possibly our property taxes. Now before you laugh at me for saying “vibrations,” let me just remind you, I know my abc’s as well *straightens posture.*
Vibrations are undeniable, um, unless you deny them and then that’s just dumb. You’re dumb. Don’t judge me.
Let me offer you a good example. Yesterday I wanted wine. I had faith that I could have wine. I imagined myself sipping a nice glass of pinot, looking out at my lovely garden still choosing between slider sheds vs. hinged door sheds to make the area a perfection, and having profound thoughts such as these. And then, like a miracle from Heaven, it happens!!!! I walk into the kitchen, open the bottle, and I’M HAVING WINE!!! Okay, so maybe that’s not such a great example, but you get what I mean, right? Please quit scratching like that, you’re making Mommy want to check for head-lice.
Anyway, my un-scientific conclusion about faith and vibrations and God, is that energy is all around us, it has something to do with how we feel and what we think, and wine is good. So believe in your goals, trust in God or some other important entity, and feed you cat. Oh yeah, and my cat says she’s not God, just a really a really bad-
Want to read something a little more logical? Then why not get my book, Secrets of a Spiritual Guru?
It’s like Bridget Jones meets Blogging and Yoga all in the same day. At least look at the trailer; you owe me that. Okay, well, not really, but if you watch it, I’ll give you a cat. A really good one.