Ten Tips for Political Justice
If Oprah Winfrey and Rush Limbaugh had a love child (and I apologize for the visual on that), who would that kid vote for? If you’re anything like me– and you should be so lucky–you are sick and tired of all these fools who are clearly supporting the wrong candidate. Ahem. Thus, I have taken on the magnanimous task (and I don’t even know what that word means) of providing the following Ten Pre-Election Political Protocol Codes of Conduct.
1) You are right and everyone else is wrong. Anyone who disagrees with your side is stupid. You should unfriend, unfollow and never ever re-tweet them again. They are stinky-faced dumb heads. In fact, I say we all dress up in fish net nylons and beaver pelts and egg their houses. If they can’t even pick the right president, they don’t deserve to live.
2) Do not watch talk shows with transvestites, especially when they look better than you. What? Am I on the wrong list? Crap. Don’t stare at me like that. Like YOU never make mistakes. Somebody hand me that vodka bottle. Dang. It’s empty.
3) Send me vodka.
4) Regardless whether you’re voting for the Mormon guy with a little black binder or the black guy with Batman’s Joker, understand this: YOU are right. You know things that the other side just doesn’t seem to grasp. How can ALL those people, the ones who you’ve wished happy birthday to, tipped for your hair cut, and liked their facebook status…how could they betray you like this? Not to mention what evil Americans they are! Shame shame… now bend over little lamb so Mommy can give you a spanking.
5) I propose we all adopt the “Party Tattooed Law.” This is new legislation, which duh, is why you haven’t heard of it yet. The Tattoo Law requires that upon voter registration, said voter must have the first initial of his or her party prominently placed on his or her forehead. So, either a big R or a big D….or for those middle of the roaders, a big L (hahaha…L stands for loser…kids will laugh at you…I know I am). With the Tattoo Law, no one has to waste facial muscles smiling at the wrong people. We will know who to let cut in front of us in the grocery store, and who to bust when they cheat (EXCUSE ME LADY, this is the TEN ITEMS or LESS LANE.…can’t you count? Ooooh, sorry, your bangs were covering up your tatt…of No wonder you can’t count.)
6) Post party-signs in your front yard. Shoot anyone who dares step foot on your property with the wrong tattoo. Including the mailman. Leave the UPS guy alone though; I’m expecting a package….I hope it’s vodka…you did send it, right?!
7) Make a YouTube video that explains to all of them why they are just not getting it. Speak slowly; remember they are stupid. And use props, dumb people like props… and cat videos…and have we already covered vodka?
8) Keep in mind that race, religion and socioeconomic statuses are no longer the political markers they once were…Damn you, Google! Thus, hippies can be conservative and your third grade teacher can smoke dope…wait, sorry…wrong story again…ahem…anyway, trust no one! Not even your mother, unless she’s passed the tattoo-clearance test. And even then, be careful; I’ve seen that D turned into an R with a little make up and a magic marker.
9) If you can’t send vodka, how ‘bout some gummy worms? All this political upheaval sure has me hungry for some solid food.
10) Finally, and most importantly, VOTE. If you pick Rosanne Bar then all I can tell you is that you deserve to have your fast food taxed and your front door egged. (What? No officer, I had NOTHING to do with it; I COLLECT empty egg carts, if you must know. Dang nosey cop.) If you can’t vote in person (which is the perfect opportunity to THREATEN each person who comes through the line (“Vote my way…or else…I know where you live….BaaHaa.”—wait, that sounded like a sheep. Sheep are not scary. Oh well). And those who prefer the absentee ballot, just keep in mind, the pink envelopes were my idea. I haven’t decided yet what color the tattoos should be, but I’m open to ideas.
11) I realize this is supposed to be a list of ten, however, I tend to like to work with even numbers. What? You don’t think eleven is an even number? Two 1’s? Hellooooo. How much more even can you get? One for you, one for me. Duh! Learn to count. ***basks in her superiority*** Anyway, if you really want to make fun of the wrong candidate, and you’re beneath talking to empty chairs or making teleprompter jokes, AND you’re somewhat digitally skilled, take a picture of the face of the wrong candidate and place it on the head of a very naked rat mole. Please send copies. And don’t forget the vodka.
Go Giants!…er, America!